When “I Don’t Know” Shows Up In Therapy
10 Alternative Ways to Respond (and Stay Connected to Yourself)
If you’ve ever sat in therapy and said, “I don’t know,” you’re not alone!
In fact, it’s one of the most common responses people have - especially in the beginning of exploring your inner landscape. And yet, many people worry that it means they’re doing therapy “wrong” or that they are not trying hard enough. Let me offer a different perspective: “I don’t know” is not a failure on your part. It’s just information. And an important one.
When someone says, “I don’t know,” it rarely means there is truly nothing there. More often, it reflects something deeper happening internally. It could be that your nervous system isn’t feeling safe enough to access the answer. You may not have been given space in your life to ever notice your inner world and it all feels very foreign. It could be that the answer is still forming and you just need more time.
From a somatic lens, “I don’t know”can show up when your system is in a shut-down or overwhelmed state (you’re outside of your window of tolerance). In this state, it is harder to access your thoughts and feelings. From a parts-based perspective, “I don’t know” might be a protector part of you that learned it was safer to not know or not to say what you are actually feeling.
For so many of us, we were never taught to notice what is happening inside us. Often, as children, adults were focused on managing our external behaviors. Tracking our internal experience and trusting our inner knowing is something we are not very practiced in. And so “I don’t know” is not because you are incapable of knowing, it may just mean that no one has walked with you there yet.
And so in our work together, we don’t try to fix this part of you that doesn’t know. We can stay in relationship with it.
Here, I offer you 10 different ways to be with the “I don’t know” when it comes up in sessions. Know that we go at your pace and that practice takes time. This is how we learn to listen inward. This is the work.
“Let me think about that for a second…” Sometimes, you just need some time to think about the question more and formulate your thoughts. Asking for some more time is a valid request. In therapy, slowing down is encouraged so you can connect to your inner world at your pace.
I’m not sure yet, but I notice…” When you are just not quite certain about your answer, you can instead start with anything you can observe happening inside you. You can notice a feeling, a body sensation, a thought fragment. You don’t have to have the entirety of your answer at the ready. Noticing what’s present is a good start.
“Part of me feels…and another part feels…” There are times that “I don’t know” means you don’t have one clear answer but that there are multiple parts of you that seem to offer conflicting answers. That’s totally ok. You’re a system of parts, each with different purposes, often trying to protect us the best way they know how. It’s important to make space for each of these parts as they show up.
“I feel kind of blank right now.” There will be times that you’re just not coming up with an answer at the moment and that is not a failure on your part. Naming that disconnection is an answer in of itself - you are sharing an awareness of your inner experience and that’s always a good place to start.
“ I think I might be feeling…..but I’m not totally sure.” It’s ok to guess. It’s ok to try to describe something close to what you are feeling and start with approximations. Sometimes I offer up this feeling wheel to folks to help them guess and we go from there.
“I feel a little overwhelmed with this question.” There will be times that the question itself feels triggering and noticing that gives us a lot to work with already. We can start with how the overwhelm is coming up for you - you might notice some tension, irritability, or nervousness. This might just signal that your system needs support and not more pressure.
“I don’t know…but I’m willing to stay with it.” Maybe it’s just unclear to you at the moment but you are curious to explore and find out what might be emerging for you at the moment. This is actually a powerful way to work through your inner landscape.
“I think I know the answer but I feel hesitant to say it.” When you have an answer in mind but feel some anxiety in expressing the actual words, it’s ok to name the fear. This can open up the space for parts that just feel vulnerable or protective. We can also work on finding ways to support these parts to feel safer to share.
“I notice I am having a hard time putting it into words.” Sometimes the experience is there but the language just hasn’t caught up yet. For whatever reason that it’s hard to articulate, the therapist can help guide you into expressing what’s present for you by asking open-ended questions and reflecting back to you what they are observing.
“Can we take a break? I need to check in with myself.” If you don’t know the answer because you are feeling flooded and need support with system regulation before we continue, it’s okay to ask to pause or slow down. Knowing when you are on the edges of your capacity to engage is an important skill that we can develop in therapy together.